Doctor who meets friends
by lozza1989
Summary: A spoof fic based on the tv series Friends with characters from Doctor who playing five of the main characters with own Character Tara playing the part of Monica. This is just a spoof and not to be taken serioulsy.
1. Chapter 1

The one with Tara's new room mate

Plot- This is going to be a Doctor who and Friends cross over where the orginal six main characters from friends will be replaced by five characters from Doctor who plus my own character Tara who will be playing the Doctors fictional younger sister.

Characters

Tenth Doctor as Ross

Tara as Monica (I know the Doctor doesn't have a sister but in this story he does because he is Ross and he had a sister in the orginal)

Rose Tyler as Rachel

Amy Pond as Phoebe

The Master (John simm) as Chandler

Captain Jack harkness as Joey

Please note that this is a spoof and is not to be taken seriously.

Main story

It was a rainy afternoon in New york and Amy Pond, the Doctor's younger sister Tara, the Master and Captain Jack where all sat in a coffee shop where Tara was telling them about a a date she was going on that very evening and Jack asked her if there was something wrong with this new date of hers.

"Look" she said with a sigh "There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!."

"Come on" Jack replied " you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!." Tara gave Jack a look of discust and felt like she wanted to punch him in the face but decided agaisnt it as her parents had taught her not to hit people if they annoyed her as it was very lady like.

"Ok Jack, be nice" the Master told Jack before focusing his attention on Tara "So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?." Tara gave the Master a look just before Amy decided to speak up.

"Wiat, does he eat chalk?" she asked randomly. The others stared at her and she looked sheepishly at them all before saying " Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Rory."

"Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex" Tara told them.

"Sounds like a date to me" the Master pointed out before telling the others about a dream he had the night before "Alright, so I'm back in the academy, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked." Every one else nodded in agreement and pointed out that they had that same dream also.

"Then I look down" he continues "and I realize there's a phone... there."

"Instead of?" Jack asks.

"That's right" the Master replied.

"Never had that dream" Jack pointed out.

"No" Amy replied shaking her head with her long red hair flowing about.

"All of a sudden the phone starts ringing" the Master continues " Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me."

"And they wern't looking at you before?" Tara asks. The Master shook his head before continuing with the story.

"Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!" he continues as the other three take it all in. A little while later, the Doctor had joined the others coffee shop, dripping wet, holding an umbrella and looking pretty mortified.

"Hi" he said.

"This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself" Jack pointed out. Tara got up from her seat and put an arm round her older brother's shoulder.

"Are you ok sweetie?" she asked with a concerned voice and the Doctor shook his head.

"I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck..." he said in a low voice.

"Romana moved her stuff out today" Tara said to the others before focusing her attention back on her brother " let me get you some coffee."

"Thanks" the Doctor said as he sat down right before Amy started plucking at the air around him and the Doctor gave her an annoyed look " No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?."

"Fine, be murky" Amy replied before sitting back down again just as Tara came back with a cup of coffee and gave it to the Doctor who noticed that every one else was looking at him.

"I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy" he said, trying to make out that he wasn't bothered but Tara wasn't very convinced.

"No you don't" she pointed out as she sat down next to him.

"No I don't" the Doctpr replied "to hell with her, she left me!."

"And you never knew she was a lesbian" Jack said as the Doctor gave him an annoyed look which caused jack to sink further down his seat with a look of embarrasment.

"No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know, she never even showed any signs when I used to travel with her back in the old days" he pointed out "until she regenerated last week after falling down the stairs and got a lesbian personality."

"Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian" the Master pointed out, causing every one celse to stare at him and he felt himself turning a slight shade of red "did I say that out loud?"

"I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well" the Doctor told Tara as Amy began painting her nails whilst humming to herself.

"Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman sobbing a three in the morning I'll never have grandchildren was what a wrong number?" Tara asked.

"Sorry" the Doctor said like a five year old child who had just been told off and blushing a slight shade of scarlet. Jack got up from his seat, sat next to the Doctor and put an arm round his shoulders.

"Alright Doctor look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?" Jack asked and the Doctor shook his head.

"Strip joint" Jack pointed out with a huge grin as the Doctor gave him a look "come on, you're single, have some hormones." But the Doctor told Jack that he didn't want to be single, he wanted to be married again and it was at that presise moment when Rose Tyler entered the coffee shop, wearing a wedding dress and dripping wet from the rain outside.

" And I just want a million pounds" the Master said, extending his hand hopefully and Tara who seemed to know Rose, got up and walked over to her.

"Oh god Tara hi" Rose said "Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!"

"Can I get you some coffee?" the waitress askes Rose as Tara took her over to where the others were sitting and sat her down.

"Just a decaffe" Tara told the waitress before introducing Rose to the other three and pointed out that she was an old friend of the Doctor's.

"You remember my brother don't you?" Tara asked as the Doctor got up and walked over to Rose where he then wnet to hug her but his umbrella opened and prevented him from doing so he sat back down again, defeated.

" So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?" Tara asked curiously as the others all leaned in to listen to what Rose had to say.

"Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat" she began "when I realized all of a sudden that I was more in love with this gravy boat than I was with Mickey and I that was when I realized that Mickey looks like mr. Potatoe head you know, I mean, I always knew they looked familiar , but anyway, I knew I had to get out of there and I started wondering why am I doing this and who am I doing this for, so anyway Tara I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city."

"Who wasn't invited to the wedding" Tara said matter o factly as a look of guilt etched across Rose's face and pointed out that she was hoping that it wasn't going to be an issue. Sometimel ater, the whole gang where at Tara's apartment, Rose was in the kitchen talking on the phone whilst the other five where in the front room watching a spanish movie and imitading the characters in the movie.

"Tuna or egg salad, decide" the Master said, imitating whatever character was speaking in the movie.

"I'll have whatever christine is having" the Doctor said in a deep voice as Rose spoke toh er dad down the phone in the kitchen.

"Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!" she spoke down the phone. Later, the scene in the movie had changed to two women on the staircase and one woman was holding her hair.

"If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off" Amy imitaded.

"Oh, she should not be wearing those pants" the Master said, pointing to the tv.

"I say push her down the stairs" Jack said. Soon, the master, Jack, the Doctor and Amy where all chanting "push her down the stairs, push her down the stairs" before the woman was pushed down the stairs and the four of them cheered as Rose continued to speak to her dad on the phone.

"Come on Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!" she said almost yelling as the others continued to watch the spanish movie.

"You can see where he's have trouble" the Doctor pointed out as Rose continued to speak on the phone.

"Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Tara" she spoke out loud as Tara looked over.

"Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Tara" Tara pointed out whilst Rose continued speaking to her dad in the kitchen.

"Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait! Wait, I said maybe!" Rose screamed before sighing and putting dwont he phone, indicating that her dad had just hung up on her before some time passed and she was now sat in the front room breathing into a paper bag with Tara and Amy sat with her.

"Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things" Tara advised her as Amy suddenly burst into song.

"Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few..." she sang before Rose put the bag down and told her she was feeling better now as Jack and the Master entered the room.

"Look, this is probably for the best you know" Tara told her "you know independence, taking control of your life, the whole hat thing."

"And hey, if you need anything, you can always come to Jack " Jack said as he put an arm round her shoulder " me and the Master live right across the hall and he's away alot."

"Jack" tara said in an annoyed voice "stop hitting on her, it's her wedding day."

"What, like there's a rule or something" Jack replied just as the door buzzer went and the Master rushed over to answer it.

"Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound" he said.

"It's uh, paul" came the voice over the intercom.

"Oh god, it's six thirty" Tara said looking at her watch "buzz him in." The Master did so and Jack asked Tara who this Paul person was.

"Paul, the wine guy paul?" the Doctor asked his younger sister.

"Maybe" Tara replied before Jack asked her if her not real date was with paul the wine guy and she nodded in response. Jack grinned and headed into the kitchen to look through the fridge.

"He finally asked you out?" the Doctor asked.

"Yes" Tara replied with a nod and the Doctor gave her a thumbs up and small smile.

"Oh, this is a dear diary moment" the Master said as he walked into the front room with his hands in his pockets and Rose, who seemed disappointed got up to leave but Tara rushed over to stop her.

"Rose, wait, I can cancel" she told her but Rose insisted she should go on her date and that she'll be fine before going to sit back down again. Tara then went over to the Doctor and asked him if he wanted her to stay.

"That would be good" he replied in a choked voice.

"Really?" his younger sister asked in a horrifed voice but the Doctor returned to his normal voice and told her she should go because it was paul the wine guy.

"What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? " Amy asked and the Master shrugged just as there was a knock at the door and Paul walked in. He was good looking dark skinned man and when Tara introduced him to everyone else, they all started yelling "hey it's paul, paul the wine guy."

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?" the Master asked, walking up to him with a smirk.

"Okay, umm-umm, I'll just-I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah..." Tara said

"A wandering?" the Doctor asked.

"Change" Tara replied before she showed paul in and told him she'll be two seconds as Amy suddenly pulled out four eye lashes and pointed out that it couldn't be good.

"Hey Paul" Jack said as he sat down on the sofa next to paul and he asked Jack what he wanted.

" Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red" Jack advised.

"Shut up Jack" Tara yelled from the bedroom. In the kitchen, Rose was in the kitchen looking through a magazine and the Doctor walked over to her, wanting to know what her plans were for tonight.

" Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!" she replied as the Doctor gave her a look of pity which indicated that he felt sorry for her.

"Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Jack and the Master are coming over to help me put together my new furniture" he told her.

"Yes, and we're very excited about it" the Master said in a dead pan voice from the living room.

"Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kind of a long day" Rose said before heading back into the front room.

"Ok sure" the Doctor replied as he sat down on one of the chairs in the kitchen and Jack asked Amy if she wanted to help.

" Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to" she replied. Later that night, Amy was in the subway with a guitar and she was singing with people putting money in her guitar case as they walked by.

"Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la-La-la-la-la...ohhh!" she sang. Over in the Doctor's apartment, he, the Master and Jack were putting furniture together. Jack and the Master were putting a bookcase together and the Doctor was squatting down, reading some instructions to what ever he was putting together.

" I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs" he pointed out just as the other two had finished putting the bookcase together.

"I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here" Jack said, gesturing to the bookcase.

"It's a beautiful thing" the Master pointed out as Jack picked up a piece which had been left over and asked what it was.

"I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket" the Master replied, looking at it.

"Which goes where?" Jack asked. The Master said he had no idea so Jack checked to see if the Doctor was looking before tossing it in a nearby plant pot.

"Done with the bookcase" Jack said as the Doctor walked back into room, holding a can of beer.

"This was Romana's favourite beer, she always drank it out of the can, I should have known" he said morbidly.

" Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here" Jack told him as the Doctor put the can down on the table.

"Yes, please don't spoil all this fun" the Master said from the other side of the room as Jack walked over to the Doctor and put an arm round his shoulders.

"Doctor,let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the Cd Player, the good TV- what did you get?" he asked.

"You guys" the Doctor replied in a less morbid tone of voice.

"Oh god" the Master replied with an eye roll. Meanwhile, Tara and Paul were at a restaurant, having a conversation and Tara was laughing at what just Paul had just been telling her.

" I know, I know, I'm such an idiot" he pointed out as Tara finally managed to control her giggling "I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?."

"My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?" Tara asked.

"Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-" Paul pointed out.

"Her leg?" Tara asked. Paul laughed and shook his head before telling her that it was the watch he went for andn ot her leg.

"You actually broke her watch?" Tara asked as Paul nodded again "Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel."

"Oh, steer clear of you" Paul joked as both of them started giggling again and not noticing that they were getting many strange looks from the other people in the restaurant. over at Tara'a apartment, Rose was talking on the phone to Mickey whilst pacing up and down in the kitchen.

"Mickey, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju-" the phone suddenly went dead on her so she had the dial the number again before she continued speaking to Mickey "Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Mickey Smith, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... " the machine cut her off again and Rose redialed the number again. Back in the Doctor's apartment, Jack and the Master were working on some more furniture whilst the Doctor was pacing up and down.

"I'm divorced! I'm Nine hundred and six and I'm divorced " he pointed out.

"Look Doctor, you got to understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for millions of years. Millions of years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point" the Master told him.

"You know what the scariest part is?" the Doctor asked "What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her..."

"What are you talking about? 'One woman'? " Jack said as he walked towards the Doctor "That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Doctor. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!."

" I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny" the Doctor replied as he blushed slightly.

" Stay out of my freezer!" the Master told him, pointing the finger with a serious expression on his face. Back at the restaurant, Tara and Paul where still having a conversation and they were now eating.

"Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh..." Paul said before Tara interupted him and asked if he wanted to spell it out with noodles but he told her that it was more of a fifth date kind of revelation.

" Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?" she asked as Paul gave her a look of confusion.

"Isn't there?" he asked as Tara nodded before asking him what he was going to say before before taking a sip of her wine as paul continued with what he was goign to tell her "Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform sexually." Suddenly, Tara spat her drink all over his shirt in shock at what he had just said and felt a flush of embarresment.

" God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry..." she said feeling herself turning a shade of scarlet but Paul inisisted that it was ok.

"I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now" she pointed out before asking how long ago his wife left him.

"Two years" he replied. Tara giggled and said that she was glad that he had smashed her watch before paul asked her if she still wanted that fifth date.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do" she replied. Meanwhile at Tara's apartment, Rose was curled up on the sofa, watching a couple getting married on the tv.

"e are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony" the priest on the tv said.

"Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! that's the difference" Rose sobbed and as she continued to watch the tv, the Doctor, the Master and Jack were sitting around in the Doctor's apartment, talking.

"Grab a spoon" the Doctor said scornfully " Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?"

"Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea-Angela-Andrea... Oh man," Jack said before getting confused.

"Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats" the Master said.

"Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here" Jack said before heading out as the Doctor continued to ramble on about dating and relationships.

"You know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask?" he said as he walked over to the window and looked out of it whilst Rose was doing the same thing over in Tara's apartment. The next morning, Rose was making coffee for the Master and Jack in Tara's apartment.

"Isn't this amazing?" she asked " I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life."

"Congratulations" Jack told her as a huge smile spread across her face and she also felt proud of herself.

"You know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do" she pointed out as she continued to feel proud of herself.

" Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something" Jack told her before he and the Master tasted the coffee she made them, grimaced and then poured it into a plant pot before Jack told Rose that he really wasn't that hungry just as Tara walked in, seeing Jack and the Master sitting in her kitchen.

"Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here" she muttered to herself as Paul arrived shortly after she did.

"Morning" he greeted the other three who were still sat around the kitchen table before the Master stood up and walked over to him.

"Hi, Paul is it?" he asked before Tara pulled Paul away from them, walking to the door and speaking in a low voice so that the others couldn't here but they moved the table closer to the door so that they could.

"Thank you! Thank you so much" they heard Paul say as Tara told him to stop in a rather embarresed tone of voice but he continued speaking " No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness."

"We'll talk later" she told him beofre he gave her a small peck on the cheek and then left. Tara went back into her apartment to find that the other three had moved her table.

" That wasn't a real date?" Jack asked as Tara folded her arms and raised an eyebrow "What the hell do you do on a real date?."

"Shut up, and put my table back" she commanded. They did so and the Master got up out of his seat.

"All right, kids, I got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference..." he informed them.

" So, like, you guys all have jobs?" Rose asked as they all nodded and Tara told her that they all had jobs and that was how they buy stuff.

"Yeah, I'm an actor" Jack told her.

"Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?" Rose asked curiously and looking pretty interested in what Jack had just told her.

"I doubt it" he replied "Mostly regional work."

"Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park" Tara pointed out as the Master tried his best not to giggle.

"Look, it was a job all right?" Jack said in a rather annoyed tone of voice.

"'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy" the Master pointed out and Jack gave him a look of annoyance.

"I will no take this abuse" he pointed out before opening the door, ready to leave.

"You're right, I'm sorry" the Master said before singing and dancing out the door "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."

"You should both know that he's a dead man" Jack told the two girls before chasing after the Master down the hall.

"So how you doing today?" Tara asked Rose as hse sat down on the table with her " Did you sleep okay? Talk to Mickey? I can't stop smiling." Rose also noticed that Tara couldn't stop smiling and pointed out that it looked like she had slept with a hanger in her mouth.

"I know, he was just so different to any other man that I ever dated" she pointed out.

"Want a wedding dress?" Rose asked "hardly used."

"I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here" Tara said "Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work."

" Oh, look, wish me luck!" Rose told her as she got up out of her seat.

"What for?" Tara asked as she picked up her handbag.

"I'm gonna go get one of those job things" Rose told her. Tara gave her a smile before heading out the apartment. later that day, the whole gang except for Rose where at the coffee shop and Tara was pointing out that she now hated men after what she heard what her co worker said about Paul being a total arsehole and was only pretending to be nice.

"Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe" Amy told her.

"Is it me?" Tara asked "Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?"

"All right, come here, give me your feet" Amy said as she began to massage Tara's feet whilst she continued to tell the others about what a jerk Paul was.

"I just thought he was nice you know" she pointed out just as Rose entered carrying a load of shopping bags.

"Guess what?" she said in a really happy tone of voice as she sat down with the group.

" You got a job?" the Doctor asked but Rose laughed and said that she had been laughed out of twelve interviews during the day.

" And yet you're surprisingly upbeat" the Master pointed out.

"You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off" Rose replied as she got them out to show "they're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!"

"How did you pay for them?" Tara asked suspiciously.

"Uh, credit card" Rose replied in a sheepish voice and blushing in embarresment.

"And who pays for that?" Tara asked.

"Um, my dad" Rose replied, feeling more sheepish than before and before shek new it, she was back at Tara's apartment sat at the table with all her credit cards spread all over the table with everyone else sat around her.

"Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary?" she asked "I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want."

" Come on, you can't live off your parents your whole life" Tara told her in a firm but reassuring voice.

"I know, that is why I was getting married" Rose replied. Tara nodded and asked Rose if she was ready to cut up all her credit cards.

"No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be ready? "Hey, Rose! You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?" Come on, I can't do this!" she said but Tara said she could do it and she knew it but Rose still disagreed.

"Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything!" the Doctor told her as Jack and the Master slowly tried to hide the plant pot where they had poured their coffee into earleir that morning as the Doctor began to chant "cut cut cut cut" and it wasn't long before the others were joining in until Rose eventually cut one of them up and they all cheered.

"You know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture" she told them.

"Rose, that was a library card" Tara told her before they all started chanting "cut cut cut" again and this time, Rose began cutting them all up.

"You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream" the Master said as she finished cutting them all up.

"Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it" Tara told Rose as she gave her a pat on the back. Later that evening, Rose and the Doctor where watching a movie on the tv which was just ending just as Tara walked in and asked her brother if he was going to sleep on her sofa for the night.

"No, I've got to go home sometime" the Doctor replied as Rose picked up a watch of the floor and showed it to Tara who told her that it was Paul's watch.

"Put it back where you found it" she told her with a grin. Rose did so and Tara began stamping on it before saying goodnight to the Doctor and Rose and then going to bed.

"So what are you going to do now?" Rose asked as the Doctor picked up his coat from the back of the sofa and put it on.

"I'm just going to head back to my apartment" he replied.

"Well I guess i'll see you tomorrow then" Rose replied before giving him a small peck on the cheek. This caused the Doctor to grin in a rather goofy way and this was noticed by Tara when she came out of her room.

"What is the matter with you?" she asked as he continued grinning.

"I just grabbed a spoon" the Doctor replied before he left the apartment with his goofy grin. Tara and Rose both exchanged looks of confusion.

The next day, the whole gang where back at the coffee shop and Tara had said something about Jack's butt.

" I can't believe what I'm hearing here" Jack said as Amy sang the sentence he had just said whilst playing her guitar.

" What? I-I said you had a-" Tara replied as Amy yet again sang what Monica was saying like she did with Jack and he told her to stop.

"Oh was I doing it again?" she asked as she put her guitar to one side "I'll stop now."

" I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt" she told Jack as Amy began playing with her hair.

" Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit you" Jack pointed out as Rose came over holding a pot of coffee.

" Would anybody like more coffee?" she asked.

"Did you make it, or are you just serving it?" the Master asked her. Rose pointed out that she was just serving it so they all agreed to have a cup of coffee.

"Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas" the Master said after Rose had finished serving them coffee and she was about to sit down but another customer was demanding more coffee.

"Ugh" she replied before stopping another customer who was passing by and handing him the pot of coffee " Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there, thankyou." The customer gave Rose a strange look but did what she asked and she sat back down in her seat.

"Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli" the Master told them.

End of episode one.


	2. The one with the sonogram at the end

the one with the sonogram at the end

It had been a few days since Rose had moved in with the Doctor's sister Tara and she was still working at the coffee shop where the whole gang was and they were talking about relationships.

"What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it" Tara said as Amy chewed on her hair whilst doing a cross word puzzle.

"Yeah right" Jack pointed out before he suddenly realized "you serious?"

"Oh yeah" Amy replied, spitting the piece of hair she was chewing from her mouth.

" Everything you need to know is in that first kiss" said Rose as she walked over to sit with the group because she was on her break from serving coffee.

"Absolutely" Tara agreed as Amy went back to the cross word she had been doing for the past hour and she was finding it really difficult.

"Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, you know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out" the Master stated as the Doctor nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket" the Doctor pointed out as Amy huffed and put the pen down, indicating that she was now giving up on the cross word puzzle.

"The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, you know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake" the Master replied whilst Amy put the puzzle book in her hnadbag in frustration.

" Yeah, well, word of advice,bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're going to find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone" Rose indicated as a look of confusion spread across Jack's face and he asked if they were still talking about sex.

Later that day, the Doctor was at at a museum of prehistoric history and it was were he had been working for the past few years and right now he was in the stone age exhibition with one of his co-workers, Marsha.

"No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry?" he asked, indicating to a statue of a stone age woman.

"Well, she has issues" Marsha replied.

"Does she?" the Doctor asked.

"He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!" Marsha replied as she positioned the statue of a stone age man and the Doctor shook hish ead in dispair.

"Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See?" the Doctor asked just as Romana appeared outside the exhibition.

" Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?" Marsha asked when she first noticed that Romana was stood outside.

"No no" the Doctor said, trying to ignore her.

"Yes it is, Romana hi" Marsha said, waving at her as the Doctor turned around and saw her stood there.

"Okay, okay, yes, it is" the Doctor said, waving to her before turning to Marsha " how about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age?." Marsha nodded and walked off as the Doctor waved for Romana to come in and she did.

"Hi" the Doctor said, blushing slightly and feeling akward aswell.

"So?" Romana asked.

" You look great. I, uh... I hate that" he replied, rubbing the back of his neck in a sheepish manner and blushing even further than he was before.

" Sorry" Romana pointed out "You look good too."

"Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh..." the Doctor said.

" A lesbian?" Romana asked, cutting him off.

"Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?" the Doctor asked before biting his knuckles.

" Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-" Romana said before the Doctor cut her off and asked her what she was doing there.

"I'm pregnant" she replied as a look of shock spread across the Doctor's face and he was now speechless. over at Tara's apartment, the Master, Jack and Amy where watching Three's company whilst Tara was busy tidying up.

"Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding" the Master pointed out.

"Then I've already seen this one" Amy replied as she picked up the remote and turned off the tv whilst Tara took Jack's drink off him whilst he was in the middle of drinking it.

"Are you through with that?" she asked as Jack gave her a look of annoyance.

"Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down" he replied in sarcasm as Tara went to go into the kitchen and found a ball of paper on the coffee table.

"Whose little ball of paper is this?" she asked the other three.

" Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and..." the Master said before he noticed the way Tara was looking ar him "now I wish I was dead." Tara threw the paper ball into the bin and then started fluffing a pillow that was laying on the sofa.

"She's already fluffed that pillow" Amy stated "Tara, you know, you've already fluffed that-" she continued before noticing the look that Tara was now giving her "but, it's fine."

" Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't want to give them any more ammunition than they already have" Tara replied as she put some fruit in the fruit bowl.

"Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow" the Master indicated as Amy pointed out that Tara was being all chaotic and twirly which wasn't in a good way.

"Yeah, calm down" Jack told her "You don't see the Doctor getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come."

"That's because as far as my parents are concerned, the Doctor can do no wrong" Tara replied as the Master walked over to the window "you see, he's the prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born. "

"Ew ew ew ew ew" the Master called out from the window.

"What?" Tara asked.

"Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!" the Master replied causing everyone else to become grossed out just as Rose emerged from her bedroom.

" Has anybody seen my engagement ring?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's beautiful" Amy replied. Rose was now begining to panic, walked into the front room and began looking under the cushions on the sofa and Amy told her not to touch them as Tara had been constantly fluffing them over five times in the past hour.

"Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Mickey! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder..." Rose stated.

"Easy Rose, we'll help you find it" Tara offered before turning to the other three "won't we."

"Oh yeah" Jack and the Master both said at the same time before Jack asked Rose when she had it on last time.

"Doy! Probably right before she lost it" Amy pointed out.

" You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days" the Master pointed out as Rose continued to search for the missing engagement ring in the kitchen.

" I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen" Rose said before she noticed the lasagne Tara had been making and realized something "Ohhhhh, don't be mad."

"You didn't" Tara said.

"I am so sorry" Rose replied.

"I gave you one job" Tara said in a very annoyed voice as she picked the lasagne dish and began to examine it.

"Oh but look how staright those noodles are" Rose pointed out as Tara put the dish on the table, searching for the ring.

"Now, Tara,you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne " the Master said as he, Jack and Amy walked into the kitchen.

"I just can't do it" Tara said, walking away from the lasagne as Amy and the two guys approached it.

"Boys? We're going in" the Master said before he, Jack and Amy began picking through the lasagne as the Doctor walked into the apartment, looking miserable.

"Hi" he said glumily.

" Wow. That is not a happy hi" Tara replied, walking over to her brother.

"Romana's pregnant" he told her and there was a stunned silence until Amy shouted out that sheh ad found the engagement ring.

"W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-..." Tara stammered, unable to get a single word out.

"Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now" he told her before heading into the front room.

" Kind of puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Tara" the Master said as Tara followed the Doctor into the front room.

"Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?" Rose asked as she, Amy and the other two guys walked into the living room.

"Well, Romana says she and Susie want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me" the Doctor explained and Tara asked him what she meant by being involved wih the baby.

"I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done" the Master said.

" Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow" the Doctor said.

" So what are you going to do?" Rose asked as she took a cookie from the cookie jar, only to get a glare from Tara so she put it back.

" I have no idea" the Doctor indicated "No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father." Suddenly, they could hear the sound of something being eaten and they turned around to find Jack eating the lasagne and he realized that they were all looking at him accusingly.

"Well, this is still ruined, right?" he asked before he continued to eat the now ruined lasagne. Later that evening, Tara and the Doctor had their parents over and they were pouring wine.

"Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you" their mom, Miriam told Tara before she picked up a snack and tasted it "Mmm! What's that curry taste?"

"Curry" Tara replied and the Doctor said that he thought they were great.

"Do you remember the Ludwins?" their dad, Garvin asked the Doctor "The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?"

"They all had a thing for him" Miriam pointed out.

"Aw, Mom.." the Doctor said, getting slightly embarresed.

" I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?" Tara asked, placing her hands on hips and looking at both her parents.

"Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-" Miriam said before Tara interupted her to point out that she didn't own a restaurant, just wokred in one.

"Well she doesn't have to know that" Miriam replied before she picked up a pillow and began to fluff it as Tara went into the kitchen, asking the Doctor to help her with the spaghetti.

"Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's... easy" Miriam said matter o factly.

"Well we were going to have lasagne but something went wrong with it so now we're having spaghetti" Tara told her before turning to the Doctor "I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me." A while later, the whole family were sat around the kitchen table eating the spaghetti that Tara had made.

"What that Rose did with her life" Miriam said " We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well."

" I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand pounds is a lot of money!" Garvin indicated.

"Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar..." Miriam pointed out.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tara asked.

"Nothing! It's an expression" Miriam replied but Tara pointed out that it wasn't as Garvin told her not to listen to Miriam.

" You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles" he told her as Tara went a slight shade of Scarlet whilst Garvin continued to eat his spaghetti "look, there are people like the Doctor who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer .And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Tara' doesn't seem to have that problem. "

"So Doctor,what's going on with you? Any stories?" Tara askes, trying to change the subject "No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?"

"Ok" the Doctor sighed "Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Romana and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Romana's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susie. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susie are going to raise the baby." There as another stunned silence like before when he told Tara the big news until Miriam asked Tara if she knew about it. Later that day, the whole gang were hanging at the coffee shop again.

" Your folks are really that bad, huh?" Jack asked the Doctor.

"Well you know,these people are pros" the Doctor replied as he picked up a cookie and broke a piece off "They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done." He put the piece of cookie he had broken off into his mouth and began chewing on it with crumbs dropping everywhere.

"Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could,I'd want yours" tara told the Doctor who indicated that he needed to use the bathroom and he stood up and went to the rest room.

" You know, it's even worse when you're twins" Amy piped up.

"You're twins?" Rose asked.

"Yeah, we got seperated at birth because some crazy woman stole her from the hospital and I didn't reunite her until I was sixteen but a few weeks later I found out she was a total bitch so we don't talk much" Amy explained.

"What does she do?" the Master asked her.

"She's a waitress" Amy replied just before Rose told them that they had to leave because she had to clean up and they all got up to leave.

"Master,you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this" said Tara as they walked towards the exit.

"Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred" the Master replied as Rose told Jack to switch the lights off and after the other four had left, the Doctor came out of the rest room to find the lights off and Rose the only one there.

"How long was I in there?" he asked.

"I'm just cleaning up" Rose replied as she began sweeping the floor.

"Do you need any help with that?" the Doctor offered. Rose nodded, handing him the broom and then sat down as the Doctor swept the floor.

"Anyway, are you nervous about tomorrow?" he asked her as he continued sweeping.

"Oh a little" Rose replied as the Doctor gave her a look saying "come on, be honest" so Rose indicated that she was very nervous before asking the Doctor if he had any advice because he had recently been dumped.

"Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, you know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, you know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Mickey back his ring, and you can go with Romana and Susie to the OB/GYN..." the Doctor said.

"Oh, you've got Romana tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?" Rose asked as the Doctor shruggged and pointed out that he didn't have a clue. The next morning, Romana was at the clinic, waiting when the Doctor came bursting through the door.

" Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway" he explained just as Susie walked in, carrying a drink and when she noticed that the Doctor was sitting there, she didn't seem to impressed to see him.

"Hi" she said matter,o,factly.

"Doctor, you remember Susie" Romana pointed out.

"How could I forget?" the Doctor replied then going to shake Susie's hand "hello Susie. Good, so what are we waiting for?"

"Dr. oberman" Romana replied.

"Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-" the Doctor said right before Susie interuppted to point out that Dr. Oberman was actually a woman.

"she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?" the Doctor asked.

" Yes, and she's very supportive" Romana replied as Susie handed the drink to her as the Doctor picked up a piece of surgical equipment and began to mime a duck with it "Doctor, That opens my cervix." The Doctor dropped the thing he was mucking around with in horror and slolwy backed away from it.

Over at Mickey's surgery, Mikcey was working on a young boy's mouth just as Rose entered and when he saw her, he told her to come in.

"Are you sure?" Rose asked.

"Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours" Mickey said as the boy in the chair looked shocked "so, how you doing?"

"I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!" Rose pointed out.

" Yeah, well" Mickey said, rubbing the back of his head just as a a voice over the intercom said that one of the other patients was gagging.

"I'll be right there" he replied into the intercom before turning to Rose "Be back in a sec." He left the room and Robbie was now staring at Rose.

"I dumped him" Rose told him.

"Ok" Robbie replied. Back at the Clinic, the Doctor, Romana and Susie where discussing about who should be invovled with the baby.

"So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work?" the Doctor asked "You know, with us you know, when like important decisions have to be made?"

"Give me a for instance" Romana told him.

"Well Ok, how about the baby's name" the Doctor said as he paced around the room with his hands in his pockets.

"Marlon" Romana suggested and the Doctor gave her a shocked expression "if it's a boy and Minnie if it's a girl."

"As in Mouse?" the Doctor asked, his voice going a little high pitched.

"As in my grandmother" Romana pointed out.

" Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse" the Doctor said as he started to rock back and forth on his heels "how about Julia?"

"But we agreed on Minnie" Susie stated as the Doctor glared at her and told her that he quite liked the name Julia. Back at the Dentist surgery, Rose was doing her makeup in the mirror on Mickey's lamp when he entered the room.

"Sorry about that" he said "so, what have you been up to?." Rose finished off doing her make up and told Mikcey that she now had a job at the coffee shop.

"Oh, that's great" he replied before Rose realized that he was tanned and asked how he had got like that.

"Oh, I went to Aruba" Mikcey replied, looking a little guilty.

"Oh no, you went on our honeymoon alone?" Rose asked with a groan but Mickey told her that he went with a girl called Mindy and a shokced Rose pointed out that she was her maid of honour.

"Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now" he admitted before Rose noticed that he was wearing lenses and she stated that he hated sticking his finger in his eye. Mickey however pointed out that he liked doing it for Mindy before telling Rose that he really wanted to thank her.

"Okay" she replied, getting confused.

" See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist" he told her.

"Wow" was all Rose could say.

" You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy" he explained before telling Robbie to spit.

"Anyway" Rose said as she got the engagement ring out of her purse "I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me."

" Well, thank you for giving it back" Mickey replied. The two of them where now staring at each other for a while and Robbie was starting to grow impatient.

Back at the Clinic, the Doctor, Romana and Susie where still arguing about what they were going to call the baby.

"Oh please, what's wrong with Helen?" Susie asked.

"Helen who?" the Doctor said "I don't think so."

"Hello, it's not going to be called Helen who" Romana pointed out as both Susie and the Doctor gave each the evils just as Dr. Oberman entered the room.

" Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?" she asked as the three of them nodded "Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing." She then told Romana to lie back.

"You know what, I'm going to go, I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now" the Doctor said. He tunred to leave but when he heard the Sonogram, he returned and stared at the image on the screen.

"Oh my god" he said.

"Look at that" Susie pointed out. Later that evening, the whole gang where over at Tara's apartment, watching the Sonogram on the tv.

"Well, isn't it amazing?" the Doctor asked with a huge grin.

"What are we supposed to be seeing here?" Jack asked, squinting his eyes.

" I don't know, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise" the Master stated.

" You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato" Amy pointed out.

"Then don't do that, alright?" the Doctor told her before getting up and walking over to Tara "Tara, what do you think?" Tara didn't say anything, instead she nodded and the Doctor noticed that she was welling up.

"I'm not welling up" Tara said, trying to hold it in.

"You are, you're welling up" the Doctor said but Tara was still denying it and the Doctor pointed out that she was going to be an Aunt.

"Oh shut up" Tara sobbed as she pushed her brother over just as Rose entered the room, talking on the phone to Mindy.

"Hi, Mindy, it's me Rose. Yeah, I'm fine. I saw Mickey today. Oh, yeah, yeah he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, you know everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose" she said before she put the phone down and noticed that the other five where all staring at her " Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel SO much better now." She then walked into her bedroom with a satisfied grin as the other five looked at each other, not knowing what to say.


	3. the one with the thumb

The one with the thumb

It was a normal saturday morning and at the coffee house, the whole gang except for Amy where hanging out like they usually do and pretty soon, Amy came walking through the doors.

"Hi guys!" she said as she walked over to the group and sat herself down in between Tara and Rose. She had just been on a date and the Doctor was asking her how it went.

" Um, not so good" Amy replied "he walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'."

"What?" a shocked Rose asked "he said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?."

"Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'" Tara pointed out .

"Since when?" Rose asked.

" Since always. It's like dating language. You know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'" Jack pointed out as Tara rolled her eyes at him in dispair.

"Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'" the Master pointed out before Amy stated that the expression we should meet other people probably meant that they already where.

"And everybody knows this?" Rose asked curiously.

"Yeah, cushions the blow" Jack replied.

"Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm" the Master said before the Doctor mentioned something about once owning a Dog before his parents sent it to live on a farm.

"Uh doctor" Tara pointed out.

"What? hello, don't you remember the puppy farm back on Gallifrey where people used to take their unwanted puppies and leave them there where they got a life of luxury, you know, spacious apartments, five star meals, massages everyday, you name it, those dogs had it easy" the Doctor pointed out before realizing that his parents had in fact lied to him about his dog living the life of luxury at the puppy farm "Oh god, chi chi."

Later that day, Jack and the Master where in their apartment reheasring a play, both reading from scripts.

"So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" the Master read from the script.

"Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die" Jack said out loud without taking his eyes off the script before setting it down on the coffee table.

" Hey, that was really good!" the Master complimented making Jack grin from ear to ear.

"Thanks" he replied before picking his script back up " Let's keep going."

"Okay" the Master replied before reading from the script again "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?."

"I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke" Jack read out.

"Smoke away" the Master said as he read his part. Jack picked up a pack of cigarettes which were lying on the table and picked up a lighter but he dropped it as he attempted to light the cigarrette with it but eventually managed to light the cigarette before taking a drag which caused him to start coughing in the process.

" I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone" the Master pointed out as he watched Jack with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Jack asked followed by a smoker's cough.

" Relax your hand!" the Master told him and Jack let his hand go limp " Not so much!." Jack made his hand go less limp than it had already been in the first place and the Master told him to now try taking a puff but Jack tried and winced.

"Alright give it to me" the Master said, gesturing to the cigarrette which was still lit up in Jack's hand.

"No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette" Jack pointed out.

" Look, do you wanna get this part, or not?" the Master asked, now getting a little impatient with Jack who huffed and handed him the cigarette.

"Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete" the Master told him before taking a puff from the cigarrette as Jack looked on " Oh.. my.. God." Later that same day, all the gang except for Rose and Amy where all sat at the coffee house in their usual spot, talking about random stuff again.

"No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger" Tara indicated causing all the guys in the group to stretch out their fingers.

"That's ridiculous!" Jack giggled.

"Can I use.. either thumb?" the Doctor asked just as Rose came over to serve them the drinks they had ordered.

" Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me!" she said as she began handing them out "Decaf cappucino for Jack, Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!." The others nodded in agreement and Rose smiled before going to serve other customers and when she wasn't looking, they all swapped their drinks around just as Amy walked in muttering without even saying hello to any of them.

"You ok Amy?" Jack asked.

"Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank" Amy replied in a pretty annoyed tone of voice.

" What did they do to you?" Tara asked curiously.

" It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT" she yelled out angrily before the Doctor told her to calm down and take it easy before she continued explaining " and there's five hundred extra pounds in my account."

"Oh, Satan's minions at work again" the Master pointed out in a sarcastic manner which Amy chose to ignore.

"Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them" she stated.

"What are you talking about? Keep it!" Jack suggested but Amy told him that it didn't belong to her and if she kept it, she would be stealing.

"Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!" Rose pointed out but Amy still wasn't to sure about it all.

"Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'..." she said as an example.

"We're with you. We got it" Tara reassured her as the Master leaned over the back of the sofa, out of sight.

" Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt" Amy stated just as Rose noticed that the Master was hiding behind the sofa.

"Master, what are you doing?" she asked. Tara then pulled him up from behind the couch and asked what he was doing but he just shrugged before he exhaled smoke from his mouth causing all the others to freak out.

"What is this?" the Doctor asked in horror.

"I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking" the Master replied.

"But you've never done that before, when did you start smoking?" the Doctor asked.

" Since me and Jack rehearsed that scene from his play where the main character has to smoke in his cell and I had to smoke because Jack was too much of a wimp to do so and I just sort of got hooked" the Master explained before taking another drag with everyone else yelling at him to put it out "All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out." He then dropped it into Amy's coffee and she pointed out that she couldn't drink it now before getting up to leave.

" Alright" Tara said as she also got up to leave the coffee house " I'm gonna go change, I've got a date."

"This Alan again? How's it going?" Rose asked

"It's going pretty good, you know it's nice and we're having fun" Tara replied as she slung her coat over her arm and picked up her handbag.

"So when do we get to meet the guy?" Jack asked.

" Let's see it's Monday... never" Tara replied as the others started to complain and she gave them a stern expression "No. Not after what happened with Steve."

"What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!" the Master pointed out before he realized that Tara was glaring back at him "sorry."

" Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out" she explained to them.

" Well, then can we meet him?" Rose asked.

" Nope, sorry" Tara replied before rushing out the coffee house as the others looked at each other with out knowing what to say next. Later that evening, the whole gang except for Amy where sat in Tara's apartment and the Master was smoking on the balcony whilst Jack was trying to comfort the Doctor about his pet dog.

"let it go Doctor" Jack advised him.

"Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi" A nearly teary eyed Doctor pointed out as Tara came out of her room, asking the others if they all promised to behave themselves when her date arrived.

" Oh yeah we promise" Jack said with the others nodding in agreement.

"Master, do you promise to be good?" Tara shouted out the window. The Master nodded and did his good boy face before it started to rain and he starting tapping on the window to be let in.

"You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!" Jack shouted with a giggle so the Master sulkily picked up a dustbin lid and sheltered himself under in just as Amy came walking through the door holding a piece of paper, sat down without even saying hello and began reading from the paper she was holding.

" Dear miss Pond." she began " Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred pounds. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this" she paused as she pulled out a football shaped phone from her handbag before continuing again "football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand pounds, and a football phone!"

"What bank is this?" Rose asked just as the door buzzer went and Tara rushed to the door, asking who it was and the voice over the intercome said it was Alan.

"Master, he's here" Jack yelled through the Balcony window and the Master came back inside the apartment dripping wet from the rain.

"Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me" Tara begged them before answering the door to her date, Alan who walked inside and Tara introduced him to the other five who all said hello at the same time.

"I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!" Alan replied in a very strange voice and everyone except for Tara tried their best not to giggle at the way he talked. Later that evening, Alan was leaving and Tara was saying goodbye to him. When he left, Tara walked into the front room where the other five where all sitting.

" Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?" she asked them as they all looked at her " come on."

".I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him" the Doctor pointed out as the others nodded in agreement much to Tara's suprise.

"Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?: she asked as they all nodded in agreement.

"And you didn't notice?" Rose asked as she spread her thumb and index finger.

" Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked" Jack pointed out.

"Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!" Amy said rather excitedly.

"What shoe?" the Doctor asked with a confused expression on his face as he looked at Amy.

"From the nursery rhyme" Amy replied before reciting the rhyme "there was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while..." The others all stared at her so she went a slight shade of Scarlett and sank further into her seat before the Doctor spoke up.

"So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured" he inquired.

"What future boyfriends?" Rose asked "Nono, I th- I think this could be, you know, it."

"Really" Tara asked, her eyes lighting up.

" Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right?" the Master told them.

"You know what I like most about him, though?" the Doctor pointed out "The way he makes me feel about myself." The next day, Tara was sat alone at the coffee house but not for long because Jack, the Master, the Doctor and Rose came walking through the doors in softball gear.

" Hi.. how was the game?" she asked as they all sat down in their favourite spots.

"Well" the Doctor replied in a low voice before making it go high pitched " we won."

"Fantastic! I have one question. How is that possible?" Tara asked.

"Alan" Jack replied, his arms folded and a grin across his face.

" He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-..." the Doctor inquired.

" I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team" Rose interrupted.

" Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball" the Master said.

" Can I ask you guys a question?" Tara asked "Do you think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.."

"What?" the Doctor asked.

"I dunno, a little too Alan?" Tara asked.

"Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan" Rose stated as the other three nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore" The Doctor pointed out.

" I personally could have a gallon of Alan" the Master inquired. Meanwhile, a woman named Lizzie was resting on a street corner when Amy came walking up to her.

"Hey, Lizzie" Amy greeted as she approached her.

"Hey, Weird Girl" Lizzie replied.

"I brought you alphabet soup" Amy said, handing her a small plastic carton from her handbag containing alphabet soup.

"Did you pick out the vowels?" Lizzie asked.

"Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, you know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you" Amy stated before searching through her handbag.

"Saltines?" Lizzie asked.

" No, but would you like a thousand pounds and a football phone?" Amy asked, handing Lizzie a brown envelope containing the thousand pounds and the football shaped phone.

" What?" Lizzie asked as she opened the envelope and peered inside " Oh my God, there's really money in here."

"I Know" Amy agreed.

" Wait, I have to give you something" Lizzie insisted.

" No, it's fine, you don't have to do that" Amy stated.

"Would you like my tin-foil hat?" Lizzie asked, getting out what looked liked a home made tin foil hat.

"No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks" Amy said.

"Please, let me do something" Lizzie begged.

"Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?" Amy suggested. Lizzie agreed and the two of them began walking down the street. Meanwhile, the Master was sat in an office block looking around before opening the desk drawer,getting out a cigarette, taking a puff then putting it back again before spraying some air freshner to get rid of the cigarrette smell then using some breath spray. He then typed on the computer for a moment before taking the cigaratte out of the drawer again, took another puff then put it back before spraying the breath spray around the room with out even noticing before taking a squirt of air freshner which caused him to gag.

Back on the street, Lizzie and Amy where at a soda stand and Lizzie had just bought Amy a Soda.

" Keep the change" Lizzie said to the guy behing the stand before turning to Amy " Sure you don't wanna pretzel?"

" No, I'm fine" Amy replied. Lizzie nodded and walked off just as Amy opened her soda and was surpised to see that there was a thumb floating around in it. Later that day, she was at the coffee house with all the others and she was telling them about it.

"A thumb?!" the Doctor asked with a shocked expression. Amy nodded and the other five were grossed out by it all.

" I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!" the red head inquired.

"Well, maybe it's a contest, you know? Like, collect all five?" the Master pointed out in sarcasm.

" Does, um, anyone wanna see?" Amy asked but the other five didn't want to see the severed human thumb floating around in Amy's soda and the Master had just lit another cigarrette, causing everyone else to tell him to put it out.

" It's worse than the thumb!" Rose stated, taking the Cigarrett off him and putting it out.

"Hey, this is so unfair!" the Master complained.

"Oh, why is it unfair?" Tara asked.

"So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Jack's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? and Doctor, with his over-pronouncing every single word? and Tara with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?" the Master asked them. There was an uncomfortable silence before Jack spoke up.

"Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?" he asked.

"Well, I-I could live without it" Rose replied looking sheepish.

"Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Amy chews her hair?" Jack asked, indicating to Amy who was chewing her hair before she realized that everyone was looking at her so she spat it out.

" Oh don't listen to him Amy, I think it's endearing" the Doctor told her in a reassuring manner.

"Oh" Jack replied before imitating the Doctor "you do, do you?." Tara starting laughing and snorting causing the Doctor to give her a look of annoyance.

" You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly" he pointed out.

""Indeed there isn't" Rose said, doing a slight impression of the Doctor before talking normally " I should really get back to work."

" Yeah, because otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered" Amy inquired.

"Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on" Rose indicated. Pretty soon Jack, the Doctor and the girls all started to bicker whilst the Master lit another Cigarrette and started to smoke, undisturbed.

Later that day, Tara was at work and she was talking to her work friend Paula about Alan.

" Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?" Tara asked.

"No" Paula replied.

" Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like" Tara told her.

"Wait, wait" Paula stated " we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!"

"Can you believe it?" Tara asked " you know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing."

"Honey.. you should always feel the thing" Paula advised her "listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, dump him."

"I know.. it's gonna be really hard" Tara replied as she put some potatoe peelings in the bin.

"Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it" Paula pointed out.

"No, he'll be fine" Tara replied looking worried "It's the other five I'm worried about." She then procceeded to cut the potatoes into chips whilst over at the coffee house, Jack and the Doctor where lecturing the Master about his new smoking habit.

"Do you have any respect for your body?" Jack asked him.

" Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?" the Doctor added.

" Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it" the Master told them before taking a puff from the cigarrette he was holding just as Rose told him that Alan was on the phone and wanted to speak to him so he got up and took the phone from Rose "hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, you know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks!" he then handed the phone back to Rose and stubbed out his cigarrette before going to sit back down again as the Doctor stood up and walked over to her.

"God, he's good" Rose told him.

" If only he were a woman" the Doctor stated as Rose nodded in agreement before the pair of them gave each other dubious looks. Later that evening, the whole gang except for Tara and Jack where at Tara's apartment watching lampchop on the telly.

" Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock?" the Master stated, pointing at the tv "If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too."

" Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch" the Doctor said before he proceeded to change the other Time lord's patch just as Tara walked in.

"Hey, where's Jack?" she asked when she noticed that Jack was missing from the group.

"Jack ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?" the Master inquired.

" I think he's across the hall" Rose told her so Tara went to fetch Jack from across the hall as the Doctor finished changing the Master's nicotine patch.

"There you go" he said.

" Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now" the Master said in a deadpan tone of voice before the Doctor tunred to Amy and started pointing at the half eaten pop tart she was holding in her hand.

"Hey Amy, you gonna have the rest of that pop tart?, Amy?" he asked, trying to get her attention.

" Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?" Amy asked, ignoring the Doctor who was now getting annoyed.

" Hey, I might" he told her in an irritated voice"

"Sorry" she replied handing him the half eaten pop tart "You know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand pounds for the thumb and on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!." At that moment, Tara re-entered the apartment dragging Jack who was half way through taking a shower and was wearing nothing but a towel round his waist along with her and he was asking what was going on.

"Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together" Tara replied as she pushed him onto the sofa.

" Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.." Jack stated.

"Jack" Rose said looking at Jack.

"Oh god" Jack said quickly closing his knees as Tara turned off the tv despite the others protests.

" Please, guys, we have to talk" Tara told the other five.

"Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu..." Amy pointed out in a suprised vocie before going calm again " no I'm not."

"Alright we have to talk" Tara began before Amy shouted up, saying that she was getting a deja vu again " okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan."

" Is there somebody else?" the Doctor asked as the others gasped in hororr.

"No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change" Tara explained to the other five.

" We didn't change" Rose pointed out.

" So that's it? It's over? Just like that?" Jack asked her with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

" You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I-" Amy said before she began to chew her hair.

"Look, I- I could go on pretending-" Tara tried to explain "-but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!."

" Who-who wants fair? You know, I just want things back. You know, the way they were" the Doctor complained.

"I'm sorry" Tara apologised.

"Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!" the Master pointed out in sarcasm.

" I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-" Rose sobbed.

" I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans" Tara said but the other five just nodded with a few mutters of "yeah right" amongst them before she asked if they were going to be ok.

"Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time" the Doctor replied.

"I understand" Tara replied in a dubious tone of voice. The next day, Tara had just told Alan about the other five's reactions about her dumping him.

"Wow" he said.

" I'm, I'm really sorry" Tara replied apologeticly.

" Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved" Alan revealed, leaving Tara pretty shocked about what he had just told her.

"Relieved?" she asked.

"Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends" he told her, leaving her more shocked than she had been before.

Over at Tara's apartment, the gang except for Tara where moping around and eating ice cream.

"Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?" Rose asked "that was fun."

"Yeah. He could row like a viking" the Doctor pointed out just as Tara entered the apartment and sat down with the rest of the group.

"Hi" she greeted as the others mumbled in response.

" So how did it go?" the Doctor asked.

" Did he mention us?" Amy asked.

"He said he's really gonna miss you guys" she lied before looking guilty about doing so but the Doctor could sense that something was up so he told her to come and sit next to him. She did so and the Doctor started stroking her forehead.

"That's it. I'm getting cigarettes" the Master stated as he got up to walk to the door despite the others telling him not to " I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke." He then left the apartment.

" If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand pounds" Amy called to him.

"yeah ok" he replied, walking back into the apartment.


	4. The One With George Stephanopoulos

The One With George Stephanopoulos

About a week had passed by since Tara had broken up with Alan and the whole gang except for Jack were once again hanging out in the coffee house, talking about what they would do if they were omnipotent for a day.

"Alright. Amy?" Tara asked Amy.

"Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...and bigger boobs!" Amy replied.

" Yeah, see.. you took mine" the Doctor pointed out "Master, , what about you?"

"Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever" the Master said just as Rose came walking over.

"See, there's always one guy" she pointed out just as Jack walked into the coffee house and sat with the gang.

"Hey, Jack, what would you do if you were omnipotent?" Tara asked him.

"Probably kill myself!" was Jack's response.

"Excuse me?" Tara questioned, giving Jack a puzzled expression.

"Hey if little Jack's dead, then I got no reason to live!" Jack replied.

"Jack, uh- OMnipotent" the Doctor told him in a way that he would be able to understand what it meant but Jack still wasn't getting it.

"You are? Doctor I'm so sorry" Jack replied causing the Doctor to groan in dispair and bury his face in his hands. A few hours later, everyone else had left except for the Doctor, Tara and Amy who was fast asleep on the sofa.

" How does she do that?" Tara wondered as she looked at the sleeping Amy.

"I cannot sleep in a public place" the Doctor pointed out.

"Would you look at her? She is so peaceful" Tara stated right before Amy woke up and startled the pair of them.

"Oh! What what what! ...Hi" she said when she noticed the Doctor and Tara where looking at her.

" It's okay, you know, you just nodded off again" the Doctor told her.

"What's going on with you?" Tara asked, sitting down next to Amy who brushed her hair back out of her face.

"I got no sleep last night!" she replied.

"Why?" the Doctor asked.

" My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!" Amy explained to them both.

"Well, if you want, you can stay with Rose and me tonight" Tara offered.

"Thanks" Amy replied just as Jack and the Master entered the coffee house with Jack counting his steps.

"Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here" he stated.

"You got waaaay too much free time" the Master pointed out before the pair of them walked over to the Doctor and the girls.

"Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Doctor,check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you" Jack informed him.

"Funny, my birthday was seven months ago" the Doctor pointed out looking confused.

"So?" Jack asked.

" So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?" the Doctor asked looking at both the Master and Jack with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, aren't we Mr. The glass is half empty" the Master said.

"Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?" the Doctor asked in a nervous voice.

"Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember" Tara said with a worried expression on her face.

"What's wrong with the twentieth?" a confused Jack asked.

"Eleven days before Hallowe'en.. all the good costumes are gone?" the Master asked.

"Today's the day Romana and I consummated our physical relationship" the Doctor began to explain before noticing Jack's puzzled expression "Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover."

"The hell with hockey, let's all do that!" Jack suggested. The Doctor went to leave but the Master followed after, attempting to stop him from doing so.

"Come on Doctor, you, me, Jack, ice, guys' night out, come on, whaddya say, big guy, huh? huh? huh?" he asked as he pretending to punch the Doctor in the stomach.

" What are you doing?" the Doctor asked.

" I have no idea" the Master replied as he stopped.

"Come on Doctor" Joey begged, putting on his puppy dog expression and a pout.

"Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it" the Doctor agreed "Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?"

"You got it" the Master said just as Rose came rushing over, clutching an envelope.

"Look look look look look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! hi, me!" she said excitedly.

" I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed" Amy stated.

"Wow, you worked in a mine?" a pretty impressed Tara asked her as Rose admired the envelope she was holding.

"I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?" Amy asked but Tara gave her a " it doesn't matter" expression.

"God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally-" an excited Rose said as she opened the envelope only for the excited look on her face to change to a disappointed one "not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what-Master look at that."

"Oh, this is not that bad" the Master said ,looking at the pay cheque.

"Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job" Jack inquired.

"You can totally, totally live on this" the Doctor added as he too got a look at the cheque.

"Yeah, yeah" Tara agreed with a nod.

" Oh, by the way, great service tonight" the Doctor told her as they all got out their wallets, offering generous tips before the guys stated that it was now time for Hockey and turned to leave, only to be blocked by three young girls who's names where Leslie, Kiki and Joanne. The three guys stared at them for a bit before exiting the coffee house yelling "HOCKEY, HOCKEY."

"Rose?" Leslie asked when she noticed Rose sitting on the couch. She turned around and seemed pretty suprised to see the three newcomers.

"Oh my god" Rose yelled jumping up from her seat and started screaming excitedly along with the three of them as they hugged each other.

" I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom" Tara whispered to Amy.

"What are you guys doing here?" Rose asked after she and her three friends had finished screaming like a bunch of teenagers.

"Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!" Kiki said.

" Look at you in the apron" Joanne said, gesturing to Rose's work apron "You look like you're in a play." Rose smiled at her before noticing that Leslie was heavily pregnant.

" Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it!" she said, putting her hand on Leslie's bump.

" I know. I know! I'm a duplex" Leslie replied before Rose asked Joanne what was going on with her.

"Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm?" she replied before pointing at herself, causing the other three to scream in excitement.

"And while we're on the subject of news.." Kiki said with a grin as she held up to her finger causing more excited screams between the four girls as Amy and Tara looked on.

"Look, look, I have elbows!" Amy said to Tara, mocking Rose's old friends before the pair of them screamed. Meanwhile, the guys were walking down the street and the Master and Jack were kicking a can about.

"Poulet passes it up to Leech!" the Master yelled as he kicked the can to Jack.

"Leech spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass!" Jack yelled as he kicked the can to the Doctor who was staring into a shop window.

"We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes" the Master pointed out, gesturing to the Doctor who turned round to face the other two.

"Romana was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- you know. Fact, she, uh- she never took them off, 'cause we-we-" the Doctor said before noticing the sligthly annoyed expression that the Master had "Sorry. Sorry." The three of them continued walking down the street when Jack spotted a woman walking past them.

" Hey, that woman's got an ass like Romana" he pointed out, only for the other two to look at him "What?."

Meanwhile, back at the coffee house, Rose, Leslie, Kiki and Joanne were sat down at one of the tables, talking.

"So come on, you guys, tell me all the dirt!" Rose encouraged.

"Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Mickey at the altar!" Kiki pointed out.

" Alright. Let's talk reality for a second" Joanne said "when you coming home?"

"What? Guys, I'm not" Rose told them in the most gentle way she could but her three friends where still pretty disappointed over the fact that she wasn't coming home.

"Come on, this is us" Joanne inquired.

" I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job" Rose told them, indicating to her apron she was wearing.

"What, waitressing?" Kiki asked disapprovingly, making Rose go slightly red at that point.

" Okay, I'm not just waitressing" she explained "I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies."

"Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies" Leslie inquired making Rose feel abit more embarressed than she had been before. Later that evening, Tara and Amy where at Tara's apartment in their pyjamas and Tara was making something in the blender just as Rose came walking in.

"Hey Rose, how was it with your friends?" Tara asked before she and Amy screamed, imitating Rose's friends "Okay! how would you like some Tiki Death Punch?." She then poured the contents of the blender into glasses.

"What's that?" Rose asked, pointing at the stuff from the blender.

"Weeeell, it's rum, and-" Tara said before Rose grabbed the blender from her and started drinking from it "we thought since Amy was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister.." She was interupted when the phone rang so she went to answer it.

" Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation!" Amy said, showing Rose the Operation game "But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!"

"Uh Rose, it's the Visa card people" Tara called to Rose from the living room.

" Oh, God, ask them what they want" Rose told Tara with a hint of slight panic in her voice. Tara then spoke back into the phone, asking what they wanted before putting the reciever down and focusing back on Rose again.

" Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account" she told Rose in a serious voice.

" But I haven't used my card in weeks!" Rose protested.

"That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay" Tara informed before Rose let out a chuckle and started pacing up and down the kitchen as Amy looked on.

"They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?" she explained in a pretty annoyed tone of voice as Tara stared at her before speaking into the phone again.

"Uh, Rose has left the building, can you call back?" she asked them before putting the receiver back on the phone cradle.

" Alright, come on" Rose said miserbly " let's play twister." She then walked into the front room with Amy and Tara following behind her. Meanwhile, the guys had just arrived at the hockey game and were squeezing past people so that they could get their seats.

"What? There was ice there that night with Romana? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?" the Master asked the Doctor as they finally reached their seats.

"No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost..." the Doctor explained.

"Come on Just sit down, sit" Jack said, getting a little impatient so the three of them sat down and began watching the game whilst back at Tara's apartment, the girls were lounging around in their PJs.

"You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing" Tara told Rose who was sat sulking on the floor.

"Tara,that is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?" Rose asked.

"You are just like Jack" Amy inquired as she helped herself to some cookie dough.

"Jack from downstairs?" Rose asked only to have Amy roll her eyes at her and say that she meant Jack and the beanstalk.

"Ah, the other Jack" said Tara.

"Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village.." Amy explained only for rose to interuppted her in mid sentence.

"Okay, but Amy, , Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-" she explained.

" Oh, see, Jack did love the cow" Amy pointed out.

"But see, it was a plan. You know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like-" Rose began to explain.

"Floopy?" Amy asked, cutting Rose off in the middle of her sentence.

"Yeah" Rose replied.

" So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy" Tara said reassuringly as she put her arm round Rose as a comforting gesture.

"Oh, like that's a word" Amy scoffed.

"Okay but Tara what if- what if it doesn't come together?" Rose asked as Tara looked at Amy and asked her what she thought.

"Oh, well... 'cause... you just... I don't like this question" Amy pointed out.

"Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?" Rose asked before grabbing the bowl of cookie dough from Amy and helping herself to a spoonful whilst at the hockey game, the Doctor was cheering the players on.

"Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!" he yelled from the crowd.

"See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks" the Master told the still shouting and jumping Doctor.

" Pass it! Pass it!" the Doctor yelled.

"He's open!" the Master yelled in the same manner as the Doctor as the audience were yelling "SHOOT SHOOT" and the player whacked the puck, only for it to come flying off the rink and hit the Doctor in the face, knocking him from his seat.

"Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!" the Master said, pointing at the giant tv screen at the other end of the stand before he and Jack held up the puck and waved at the tv thing before they noticed that the Doctor was now on the ground, sporting a nose bleed.

" Ouch, that has got to hurt" Jack indicated. A while later, they were leading the Doctor into the emergency room and the Master walked up to the recptionist desk where an overweight middle aged lady was sat, talking on the phone.

"Excuse me" the Master said as the fat lady ignored him and continued to talk on the phone.

"It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied" she said down the phone.

"Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room" the Master said, only for the fat lady to give him a look that could freeze hell.

"Hold on" she said to who ever she was talking to on the phone before giving the Master some forms "Fill these out, sit over there." At that point, the Doctor jumped up from his seat and walked over to the receptionist desk.

" Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented" he told the fat recptionist.

"Well, you'll have to wait your turn" she replied with a smirk just as Jack got up and walked over,

"Well, how long do you think it'll be?" he asked.

" Any minute now" she replied in a sarcastic manner and the Doctor wentt to protest but she gave him a look that could scare puppies so he just huffed and sat back down again, followed by the other two. Back at the Tara's apartment, Rose was apologising to the other two.

" I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down" she said miserably.

" No, you were right. I don't have a plan" Tara replied before there came a knock at the door and a voice on the other end said that it was the pizza guy.

" Thank God. Food" Rose said as she stood up, walked to the door and answered it to a Nineteen year old pizza delivery boy riddled with Acne.

"Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?" he asked.

"No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese" Rose said miserbly.

"Wait, you're not ' '? Man, my dad's gonna kill me!" he complained as Tara got up from the sofa and rushed to the door.

"Wait! Did you say ' '?" she asked.

" Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!" the pizza delivery boy complained, hitting his forehead.

" Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?" Tara asked.

"Yeah, that sounds about right" the pizza delivery boy replied as Amy came over to have a listen to their conversation.

"Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?" Tara questioned.

"And-and a power tie?" Amy asked.

"No, pretty much just a towel" he replied as Tara gasped and staggered back "So you guys want me to take this back?"

" Are you nuts?!" Tara asked, grabbing the pizza from him "We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza!." She then grabbed a pair of binoculas and ran to the window as Rose payed the pizza delivery boy before asking Amy who this George person was.

" Big Bird's friend" Amy replied.

" I see pizza!" Tara said excitedly as she looked out of the window with the binoculas.

"Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see!" Amy yelled as she ran over to the window and grabbed the binoculas from Tara.

" Hello? Who are we spying on?" Rose asked as she joined the other three at the window.

"White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?" Tara asked her.

" Oh, him, the little guy?" Rose finally realized " Oh, I love him!"

"Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman" Amy infomred the other two.

"Please tell me it's his mother" Tara said hopefully.

"Definitely not his mother" Amy stated as Tara let out a groan "Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- hey, that's not for you, bitch!." She then covered her mouth after yelling out and walked away from the window whilst back at the Hospital, the Doctor was still waiting to get his broken nose seen to, Jack was miming Hockey pucks hitting him in the forehead and the Master was realizing that things where getting a little tense so he walked back over to the Receptionist desk again.

"Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with?" he asked only for the Receptionist to slide the glass panel over " Oh, come on Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other" she slid the panel back, taking him by suprise "ba!."

Back at Tara's apartment, the girl's where now sat out on the Balcony with chairs and blankets.

" Light still out?" Tara asked.

"Yeah" Rose replied.

"Oh. Maybe they're- napping" Tara suggested.

"Oh please, they're having sex" Rose scoffed before the other two told her to shut up "So, what do you think George is like?"

" I think he's shy" Tara pointed out as she picked up the binoculars and looked through them.

"Yeah?" Amy asked.

"Yeah" Tara replied, putting the binoculars down "I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal." Back the Hospital, the Doctor was still waiting for his nose to get seen to and he was still talking about Romana.

"I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow" he said, thinking about that time.

"Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part" the Master pointed out just as Jack arrived back from the gents and sat with them.

" He's right, enough, already" he told the Doctor " What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that."

"Look, it's just a little more complicated" the skinny spiky haired time lord revealed as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?" the Master asked loudly, causing everyone else in the waiting room to turn around and look at him.

" Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you" the Doctor pointed out sarcasticly.

"Then what?" the Master asked.

"My first time with Romana was" the Doctor replied before mumbling.

"What?" Jack asked.

" It was my first time" the Doctor pointed out.

"With Romana?" Jack asked but the Doctor gave him a look "Oh."

" So in your whole life, you've only been with one-" the Master asked before the Doctor gave him the same look he had given Jack "oh."

"Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! " Jack inquired "There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!." Back on the balcony,the girls were still sitting there, wrapped in blankets and talking.

"Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?" Tara asked Amy who nodded fondly "Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!"

" Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine" Amy said louldy "Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley."

" What?! You slept with Jason?" a shocked Tara asked as Rose listened on with interest.

"You'd already broken up" Amy pointed out as Rose's eyes widen, showing that she was clearly enjoying this conversation.

" How long?" she asked as Tara rolled her eyes.

" A couple hours" Amy replied.

"Oh that's nice" Tara pointed out as Rose sat up, causing the cushion she was leaning on to fall off the balcony and onto the ground below.

"Okay, okay, okay, I got one!" she piped up "The valentine that the cute baker boy sent you in the post was really me."

" Excuse me?!" a now shocked and unimpressed Tara asked as Amy tried her best not to giggle.

" Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one?" Rose inquired with a "duh" expression on her face. Pretty soon, she and Tara started to bicker until Amy pointed out that George was back.

"Where?" Tara asked.

" Right- where we've been looking all night!" Amy pointed out as the other two stood with her to peer into his window from the balcony.

"He is so cute!" Rose said dreamily.

"Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!" Tara begged before the three of them started saying the same thing until they all looked amazed and let out a "wow." Whilst the girls continued to spy on George, the guys were still at the hospital and the Doctor was finally getting his nose seen to whilst the Master and Jack sat in the waiting room.

" Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?" Jack asked.

"I think it's great. You know, it's sweet, it's romantic" the Master told him.

" Really?" Jack asked, pretty shocked.

"No, you kidding?" the Master asked him with a chuckle "the guy's a freak." He then continued snickering to himself just as the Doctor walked back into waiting room wearing a piece of steel which was bandaged to his nose and he didn't look too happy.

"Oh, that's attractive" the receptionist said sarcasticly as the Doctor tossed some forms on her desk before joining the other two.

"Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs" the Master joked before noticing the miserable look on the Doctor's face "Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight."

" Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?" the Doctor asked before looking around for the puck that had hit him in the face.

"Oh, ah- the kid has it" Jack said, pointing to a small boy who was sat on one of the waiting room chairs, holding the puck so the Doctor walked over to him to retrieve the puck.

"Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck" he told the boy.

"I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers" the boy said cheekily before sticking his tongue out at the Doctor who looked at the Master for some help.

"You gotta do it, man" he told the Doctor whoo then turned his attention back to the boy.

"Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue" the Doctor said before figuring out what to say next but couldn't think of anything "listen, uh- gimme back my puck."

" No " the boy snapped.

"Yes', how about. Come here. Gimme!" the Doctor yelled before he and the boy began fighting over the puck.

"Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!" the Receptionist yelled as the Doctor attempted to snatch the puck from the boy's hands, only for it to fly out of his grasp and knocked out the receptionist and the Doctor had just watched in amusement.

"Now that was fun" he pointed out before he and the other two left the waiting room. Later that evening, the guys had joined the girls at Tara's apartment and Jack was playing twister with the girls.

"Okay, Tara, Right foot red" the Doctor instructed.

"Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo" Tara pointed out sarcasticly just as someone knocked on the door and the Master opened it to some guy who handed him the cushion that fell from the Balcony earlier.

"Thanks" the Master said as the guy nodded and left.

"Ok Amy, right hand blue" the Doctor instructed. Amy bent over and Jack stared at her butt appreciatively just as the phone rang and the Master went to answer it.

"Hello?" he said before putting his hand over the speaker and turning to Rose "oh uh, Rose, it's the visa card people."

"Oh, okay. Will you take my place?" Rose asked.

"Alright" the Master replied before speaking down the phone again "yes, this is Rose."

" Nooo!" Rose yelled as she ran into the kitchen and took the phone from the Master so he could take her place in the game "Hello? Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really."

"Green. To the green." the Doctor yelled as Rose continued to speak on the phone.

"I've got magic beans. Never-never mind" she said.

"To the left, to the left- aww! " the Master said before he, Amy and Jack collasped in a heap on the floor as Rose watched from the kitchen with amusement as she continued to speak on the phone.

"Ohhh... I'm fine" she stated before putting the phone back down and walking back into the front room.


End file.
